By Shawn Hogendorf, Staff Writer

After living through nearly 20 years of an abusive marriage, “Mary Anne” has repaired and repainted the holes in the walls of her home just the way she likes them.

But that doesn’t mean her battle against domestic abuse is over.

It has been five years since there has been any name calling or violence in Mary Anne’s home.

“That’s huge,” she said.

Mary Anne and her three children were able to get out of the cycle of abuse. She takes pride in finally being “free” after spending the first half of her life as a victim of child abuse and the latter half as a victim of domestic abuse.

“I couldn’t subject my children to it anymore,” she said. “I had to show them it is possible to get out.”

Still, Mary Anne knows her family is not “out of the water” when it comes to the cycle of abuse. She speaks adamantly of the fear she carries daily, as she looks over her shoulder for her ex-husband’s vehicle.

Her biggest concern is that the cycle of abuse may continue with her three children, who grew up witnessing the abuse.

“I will not be a mother-in-law who accepts abuse. I will not stand by and let them continue this cycle. I will be hard on them,” she said.

Her fear is supported by statistics from the National Center on Child Abuse Research, showing that one-third of abused or neglected children will later abuse their own children.

That same study also reveals that boys who grow up in homes with domestic abuse are twice as likely as boys in non-abusive homes to become abusers.

Girls who grow up in homes with abuse are more likely to accept abuse in future relationships, the study shows.

Mary Anne chose to share the stories of her children as witnesses to domestic abuse, but because she continues to be harassed by her ex-husband, the children’s real names are not used.

The last-straw for Mary Anne was when her 11-year-old daughter, “Lila,” called police in tears, screaming for her father to stop beating her mother. Child protection services became involved in Mary Anne’s abusive situation because her daughter called police.

As a result of involvement by child protection, both Lila and her 14-year-old brother “Tim” were ordered to treatment and counseling. But because her oldest son, “Bill” was 19 at that time, he was not court-ordered to attend treatment.

Both Lila and Tim have “good heads on their shoulders as a result of the counseling,” Mary Anne said.

Lila is now 14, Tim is 18 and Bill is 23.

Mary Anne’s children all handled the abusive situation differently.

Lila was always vocal about the abuse, Mary Anne said. She became involved with Alateen, a group for children who have alcoholic parents, to deal with the repercussions of her father’s alcoholism. Lila’s self-esteem is high, and, to this day, she doesn’t want anything to do with her father, Mary Anne said.

Tim often ignored the abuse. He would tell his mother he was sleeping at the time of the assaults because he was afraid, Mary Anne said. After counseling and treatment, Tim now talks openly about the abuse, and has told his mother he wasn’t sleeping but rather in the kitchen in fear of what was going to happen. Tim still visits his father but feels like a stranger to him, Mary Anne said.

Mary Anne has great concern for Bill, who was 19 when Mary Anne left her ex-husband.

Bill is now a Marine. He carries a large burden of guilt for not protecting his mother, but he was also a victim of child abuse growing up, Mary Anne said. He reacted to the abuse in anger and resentment. “He wanted to kick his father’s butt,” and since leaving, the two have been involved in volatile and physical confrontations, she said.

This reaction is common among children who witness abuse.

Sometimes children act out in anger, both at the abuser and the victim, because they don’t feel the victim has done anything to protect them, or they feel they have to take over and protect their mothers and stop the violence, said Dave Mathews, director of therapy for the Domestic Abuse Project in Minneapolis.

Children experience violence directly, indirectly, and in the aftermath of abuse, and they are very aware of the cycle of abuse, Mathews said.

When children witness domestic abuse they often don’t feel like they can talk about what they witnessed, Mathews said. When children are able to talk with their peers during counseling, they realize they aren’t isolated and that other people have experienced the same or similar things, he said.

“A huge part of our programs is breaking down the walls of silence,” Mathews said.

But when counseling isn’t in the equation, the healing process becomes more difficult.

Children generally handle witnessing the abuse well and seem to be on top of it, but because children change developmentally over the years, they revisit the abuse and trauma both emotionally and psychologically, he said.

“Children are still in the middle of it, even if they are removed,” Mathews said.

Children see, children do

When asked about the adage “children see, children do,” Mathews popped in a DVD called “Battered” and described a case he worked on a couple of years ago with the Hennepin County Domestic Violence Fatality Review Team.

The team of judges, therapists and county attorneys, among others, reviews cases of domestic violence that ended in homicide to determine when an intervention could have happened to prevent the murder.

While reviewing a case in which a woman was murdered in front of her 5-year-old daughter by an ex-boyfriend in 2003, the team looked at the history of the murderer, Mohammad Johnson, who is currently serving a 20-year sentence for murder at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater.

Johnson’s history seemed all too familiar to Mathews.

After digging into the details, the review team learned Johnson was a witness to his father, a Chicago police officer, murdering his mother, also a police officer. After Johnson’s mother was killed, his father turned the gun on himself and committed suicide.

Johnson witnessed all of that when he was 11 years old. He got caught up in the juvenile system and got involved in drug running from Chicago to Minneapolis and also began running with gangs, Mathews said. Within a few years of getting out of the juvenile system at age 18, Johnson killed his ex-girlfriend in front of her daughter, Mathews said.

“This was right in our face,” he said. “We couldn’t avoid it. We looked at what he did between being a witness to a homicide and killing his ex-girlfriend. We couldn’t help but wonder, were there any interventions? Was anything done to treat his post-traumatic stress?”

While in the juvenile system, Johnson underwent some chemical dependency treatment but no counseling, Mathews said. Post-traumatic stress over what he saw as a child was never addressed, he said.

Because the system doesn’t have a plan to help these children, there are more Mohammad Johnsons in the making, Mathews said.

“We believe we need more programming,” he said. “We need a system to help kids, to assess kids and hook them up with a process of healing.

“We can set up all the safety and after-the-fact kinds of measures for women and children, but if we are going to prevent violence, we have to go to the source,” Mathews added. “We have to figure out how we can turn the faucet off and prevent Mohammad Johnson from getting to the point of deciding to kill.”

The trauma of abuse

The pain children face after abuse is far-reaching, and there is no one sign of how children react, explained Mary Ann Bigaouette, executive director of the Southern Valley Alliance for Battered Women.

Some children develop low self-esteem, guilt and shame, she said. Others become high maintenance, have trouble settling down and suffer from anxiety. Often, the psychological impacts of witnessing abuse and waiting for the next battering results in children having physical symptoms as a result of the stress.

The children Mathews counsels are often diagnosed with ADHD, depression, defiance and behavioral disorders and post-traumatic stress. The trauma children deal with affects them emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally, socially and physically, he said.

Children may feel it’s OK to hit others they care for and then promise to change or that anger is bad because people get hurt, Mathews said. The behavioral effects can be to act out or withdraw, refuse to go to school, become aggressive or passive, wet the bed or have nightmares.

Children can become isolated, their relationships may start intensely and end abruptly, and they may become excessively involved socially to stay away from home, Mathews said.

In Mary Anne’s case, the abuse started as verbal, but she didn’t think her children saw what was happening.

“I was in survival mode,” she said.

But all three children heard and saw various acts of violence throughout the years and are now in the middle of the healing process as the result of the abuse they witnessed.

“All children are affected by violence,” Mathews said. “The signs may be different in each child because of the way children decode and interpret the experience, learn to cope and survive in stress and use support people such as teachers and grandparents.”

Mary Anne said Bill not only witnessed the abuse but also was a victim of it on several occasions. Her other son, Tim, was hit by his father once. Lila was never abused.

Half of the men who abuse their wives also abuse their children, according to the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women.

Mary Anne was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder by her children’s counselors and has since gotten help, she said.

She now worries that Bill suffers from post-traumatic stress, as well. He has not been to counseling for the abuse, but instead turned to alcohol in times of trouble, just as his father did, she said.

Mary Anne remembers a late night when Bill came to her while she was in bed. Bill was 17 and vividly recounted abuse he saw when he was 3 years old.

“He remembers every detail of the abuse, and he was just 3 years old,” Mary Anne said. “He remembers his father yelling and calling me stupid as he struck me in the head, which caused five stitches. He remembers the clothes I was wearing that day when we got in the car, and he remembers the blood all over my head and hands during the ride to the hospital. He even remembers his father telling me not to tell anyone what happened.

“And I feel responsible for that,” she said, sobbing.

“But I hope my children see the strength in me to break the cycle,” Mary Anne continued. “And I hope to find someone someday who will love me and my kids for who we are. I hope to find someone who will be able to handle the baggage that comes with the abuse … because that’s not easy.”

Get out

As a battered women’s advocate for 25 years, Bigaouette said she has learned not to convince battered women to do anything.

Instead, she offers them options.

The irony in the situation is that many women stay in the abusive relationship at first for the children, but in the end, the children are why the woman leaves, she said.

The bottom line is if women can’t get out for themselves, they should get out for the children, Bigaouette continued.

“Get out for your sons, who have more of a chance of becoming abusers in the future if they see it in their home growing up,” she said. “Do it for your daughters, who are more likely to enter into an abusive relationship after witnessing or becoming a victim of abuse at an early age.”

For women who choose not to get out of an abusive relationship, she suggests setting up a safety plan.Women should affirm the fact that abuse is not OK and tell the children that violence is not their fault, Bigaouette said.

When it’s safe, she said, women should talk to the children about a “safe place,” such as a bedroom, bathroom, basement, closet, under a bed, or wherever they feel safe. They should talk to children about calling 911 in an emergency and make sure the kids know what an emergency is, she said.

Bigaouette also suggests making sure the children have a phone near the safe place and know how to use it and who to call. Women should make a list of phone numbers and talk to children about what to do if someone is hurt or is going to get hurt, and encourage children to confide in teachers, neighbors who are trusted and other family members, she said.

“If women are going to stay in a situation, file for divorce and stay in the home with the abuser, it is a huge risk to take,” Bigaouette said. “The violence can escalate.”

 Look for the third part of the series on domestic abuse, about the abusers and the courts, in next week’s newspaper.

Shawn Hogendorf can be reached at (952) 345-6374 or shogendorf@swpub.com.