This Saturday, March 8, Minneapolis is taking the next step in trying to be trendy for the mere sake of being trendy.Mark
Gores

“Naked sushi” has arrived, and we are one step closer to stepping out of the trend shadows of our big brother and sister, New York and Chicago.

Although naked sushi may sound like a great band name, it actually is quite literal in that it refers to eating raw fish served on a warm bed of sum yung guy or gal who is not wearing clothing.

The abolition of tables couldn’t come soon enough. I’ve been getting so bored eating my sushi from buffet tables. It has no personality. Or sweat or body hair. And you don’t get the unpredictability that you do with human tables. I’ve never said on the way to the restaurant, “Ooh, do you think our table will have flatulence this evening?” Ok, well I did say that once, but it is a long story. But now I can say it, and it would make perfect sense.

And, finally, I’ll be able to have a conversation with my table and get the real scoop on the fare:

Table: “Hi, my name is Jess and you’ll be picking food off me all night. Can I start you off with an appetizer?”

Me: “What’s good here?”

Table: “People really like the eel down by my appendix scar.”

Me: “Oh, that is good!”

Table: “Yeah, you like that?”

What better way to expose the family to different cultures than by attending naked sushi night?

“Ok, Freddie, put your napkin on your lap like a big boy. Now, this is how you objectify women. Hold one chopstick like a pencil and tuck the other one under your pointer finger and grab food off this naked woman. Good job! Now dip it in the belly button sauce.”

I went too far, didn’t I?

I fully expect the abolition of tables to get our economy rolling again. Think of all the jobs that can be created if we hire people to pretend to be tables. Sure, some table makers may lose their jobs, but they’re not local anyway. And I don’t imagine the application process for the position of table would be all that difficult either, thus creating a large pool of candidates:

Application for Table:

Can you lie down?

Are you ticklish, sneezy, or gassy?

Innie or outie?

The naked table position could be a great experience for anyone who wants to, say, off the top of my head, write a book about it and then write a movie about teenage pregnancy and later refer to Minneapolis as “suburban misery” in an interview after you get famous.

Or it could be a great stepping stone for anyone trying to get in the modeling business.

“What makes you think you have the concentration ability required to be a model at GQ?”

“Well, when I was a table, I made sure none of the sushi moved by thinking about baseball and counting backwards from 1,000 at the same time.”

Hardcore trend enthusiasts claim that eating food off naked people is art. I claim that is just an excuse for them to feel better about their depravity. I have a slight feeling that the art museum will not lose business while the naked sushi exhibit is in town. I also have a feeling that a lot more guys are going to convince their wives to go out for sushi for the art experience just like they got their magazine subscription “for the articles.”

 Mark Gores, a 27-year-old realtor, lives in Prior Lake with his wife, Emily. To comment on this column, call the editor at (952) 345-6378 or e-mail markgores@yahoo.com or editor@plamerican.com.