I got my first AARP card and membership invitation last week.

It made me feel a little old. Mostly, because I'm still in my twenties.

With a glut of retirees weighing down our nation's Social Security prospects, I'm surprised that AARP needs to recruit new members before they hit 30.

I was tempted by the discounts and perks. Who doesn't like reduced pricing on hotels and car rental, or senior rates on dinners.

I'll need those savings when there isn't any Social Security around for my generation. Join now!

The AARP membership card isn't the only fun mail I got that day.

I also received a 70-percent off catalog from a company (to remain unnamed) that crafts nunshucks, Samari swords, tasers and other scary-looking Gothic items.

What mailing list did I end up on? Do old people use nunshucks? Is there a big draw for Chinese stars at the nursing home?

Many questions remain unanswered.

Of course, I've never had a weapons catalog, so I started shopping. What else would I do? 

My personal favorites:

 1) The 12th century ball mace - think "Brave Heart" - the ball on the end of a chain on a stick with all of the spikes. A very practical item to have around the house. I think it would be best used for decoration, perhaps hanging on the living room wall next to the family portraits or over the fireplace.

2) Warrior spear with detachable whip - two products in one! Gotta love a bargain.

and best of all...

3) the traditional Roman Gladiator helmet - to wear at home while you sit by yourself and wonder why you can't make friends.

I shouldn't make fun of these items (or someone with the spiked warrior axe and blowgun rocket darts may come track me down.)

Still, the catalog was eye-opening to me. Lately, I've been pondering if the new Crate and Barrel spin off, CB2, is a bit edgy.

I'd better stick to Pottery Barn.